It's safe to say that "hell week" is over. What is hell week? It's the week before dead week when everything is due. Literally, everything. I powered through an 8 page essay on tax reform and a modified GI Bill, I completed a lab report that had at least 150 cells of data, and I hopefully did well (fingers crossed) on my Chem test over material I didn't even know about until the day before. Also, I wrote an extra 2 pages on budget deficit in an attempt for extra credit. It surely was hell, considering I had to read about 600 pages for the 8 page essay.
I decided to google hell week, because I'm lame like that, and a lot of the sources read "the week where everything is due. also the week where numerous college students consider dropping out." I must say, I was relieved. The stress at the beginning of the week was so intense, I really, really did consider transferring. But, I'm hanging on for as long as I possibly can. Nothing is going to shake me. My dad told me, when he called in the midst of all my immeasurable stress, "It's just a game. Figure out the game, then figure out how to play it."
What would I do without him?
Two weeks from today, I'll have a glorious break. December 15 to January 9. That is almost a month.
Thank.God.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
Essays
I love writing. I have no issue with it. But once I have to write about major policy changes in the United States, my mind turns to goo. I can write and write about theoretical situations and the policies in general, but once I have to start citing text, my hands freeze. I read the books, but damn. How the hell do I shuffle through six hundred pages of Blah to find something completely relevant to my genius sentences?!
sigh.
sigh.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Realization
I think I'm done here. I'm extremely indecisive when it comes to some things in my life, and I realized that I made a bad choice. At least, I think I did. This school is highly ranked and will surely pay off in the future, but who am I kidding? I don't want to be an engineer. I don't want to slave away doing calculus and thermodynamics and physics. It just isn't me. I want to be happy. I've never really been ecstatic with my life, but I sure understand when I'm depressed.
This place just makes me severely depressed, shoving me into a whirlwind of sadness and regret day by day.
I thought my life was getting a little better by a few select people entering my life. But now I realize that I'm changing who I am for them. I'm changing my morals; I'm changing my rules. I don't want to change these things for someone who I know is temporary.
This place makes me feel like I have no choice. I feel forced to constantly hang out with people and I don't enjoy it. I don't mind being alone, but I hate being lonely.
Something needs to change.
I just need to make a decision, and quickly.
This place just makes me severely depressed, shoving me into a whirlwind of sadness and regret day by day.
I thought my life was getting a little better by a few select people entering my life. But now I realize that I'm changing who I am for them. I'm changing my morals; I'm changing my rules. I don't want to change these things for someone who I know is temporary.
This place makes me feel like I have no choice. I feel forced to constantly hang out with people and I don't enjoy it. I don't mind being alone, but I hate being lonely.
Something needs to change.
I just need to make a decision, and quickly.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
The Breath of a Fallen Angel
[story mode engaged]
**I lay down beside him and his rough, gentle hands take control. Never in my wildest dreams did I think this would happen. I attempt to pretend that I'm sleeping, but I've never had a good poker face. I lay motionless as his fingers move over my arms, down my side, brushing my legs and moving back up. I can feel my heart starting to race, and better yet, I can feel his against my back, beating to the exact rhythm of mine. Ten minutes pass by, twenty, then thirty; I'm not sure how to react but I know I don't want him to stop. I start to consider the right time to flip over, so my face is right in his. I count to fifteen, twenty, thirty, forty; all this time and I cannot muster up the courage to do it. He knows that I'm awake by now. He starts to tug on my side to get me to lay on my back. I know that resisting him would just blow my cover. I timidly roll over to my back and stare at the ceiling, still unsure of how to handle the situation. His hands dance all over my body. Soon enough he's on top of me. His marble-like skin gleams in the faint light coming from the window. I shyly run my hands up his arms and gracefully back down. His face leans closer to mine in the dark; I can still see his eyes staring right back into mine. I've waited years for this moment and finally it comes. He kisses me. At first it's light and airy, but then he progresses to pulling on my lower lip with the mere force of his lips. He holds onto it like a savory strawberry. This exchange happens for the next few hours, each minute bringing a slightly more intense touch and a different position in relation to the bed.
When it was all over, I couldn't sleep.
I returned to my dorm the next morning and I couldn't eat.
This drastic turn of events not only made my stomach churn, but it shook up my life in the best way possible.
I thought I loved him before, and now I'm not so sure, but there is no doubt in my mind that this boy, Abel, is meant to stick around for a while. At least, that's what I hope.
**I lay down beside him and his rough, gentle hands take control. Never in my wildest dreams did I think this would happen. I attempt to pretend that I'm sleeping, but I've never had a good poker face. I lay motionless as his fingers move over my arms, down my side, brushing my legs and moving back up. I can feel my heart starting to race, and better yet, I can feel his against my back, beating to the exact rhythm of mine. Ten minutes pass by, twenty, then thirty; I'm not sure how to react but I know I don't want him to stop. I start to consider the right time to flip over, so my face is right in his. I count to fifteen, twenty, thirty, forty; all this time and I cannot muster up the courage to do it. He knows that I'm awake by now. He starts to tug on my side to get me to lay on my back. I know that resisting him would just blow my cover. I timidly roll over to my back and stare at the ceiling, still unsure of how to handle the situation. His hands dance all over my body. Soon enough he's on top of me. His marble-like skin gleams in the faint light coming from the window. I shyly run my hands up his arms and gracefully back down. His face leans closer to mine in the dark; I can still see his eyes staring right back into mine. I've waited years for this moment and finally it comes. He kisses me. At first it's light and airy, but then he progresses to pulling on my lower lip with the mere force of his lips. He holds onto it like a savory strawberry. This exchange happens for the next few hours, each minute bringing a slightly more intense touch and a different position in relation to the bed.
When it was all over, I couldn't sleep.
I returned to my dorm the next morning and I couldn't eat.
This drastic turn of events not only made my stomach churn, but it shook up my life in the best way possible.
I thought I loved him before, and now I'm not so sure, but there is no doubt in my mind that this boy, Abel, is meant to stick around for a while. At least, that's what I hope.
Blogs
Blogs form a temporary moment of escape. I've had a few before, but all became known to a few friends' eyes. While I don't mind this, I would love just to have a 'space' to myself where I can be completely honest. I can post depressing things, tell stories about my day, and share personal information without worrying about getting caught in any sort of strange situation. This blog is merely to help me relax and, if possible, share my inner most thoughts with people who are fortunate enough to discover this. For now, I will need to read a few more hundreds of pages of a book before I get in too deep. Be back later :)
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