Finals

I fucking hate my life. 27 hours of studying for chemistry. 27 fucking hours and I was still raped by that final.

Everything went better than expected.

I realized I have 2 A's. That means that I have A's in 50% of my courses.
thank bajeezus.

Everything is Crap.

This semester hasn't been my best. Besides being at the most difficult school basically anywhere, causing my grades to be crap, I also had to sell my car. Besides selling my favorite car I've ever had, my little dog was hit by a car and killed. If that's not enough, I just find out today that Sammie, my German Shepherd of 10 years, is dead as well.
All I want to do is go home.

Care

I do tend to receive some crap about how I don't care much; how I'm not sensitive enough. Well. Do you want to know what I care about?! Here we go.
1) My immediate family. Without my dad, I have no idea where I'd be. Without my mom, I'd probably be an angry ball of anger :P. Without my sisters, I wouldn't have an accurate perception on life.
2) My friends. I'm harsh and I speak my opinions, but I only want to protect them from doing the wrong things. I understand that many of them look to me for answers, so I always want to help. I learn from their mistakes and I try my best to keep them out of harms way.
3) Dogs. I have the most sensitive spot for dogs. Sammie, my German Shepherd, was the MOST difficult dog to tame. She was angry, she was aggressive and she was completely out of control. My mom wanted to give her up and I fought for her with everything I had. Sammie may have been a little wild, but she was loyal. She still is! Then, there's bear. She was so deathly skinny that my family all thought she would die the first night we had her. Now she's fat, dumb, and happy. Then, lastly, there was olli. This little, unexpected puppy came into our lives and grabbed onto our hearts. There was suddenly a huge gust of happiness that our family hadn't experienced before. We gave her the best two years of her life and, unfortunately, her life was cut short by a car incident.
4)Cars. My dad has three girls and his one passion is cars. Being the last child with two older sisters (one mentally challenged and the other suffering from middle-child-syndrom), I was obligated to help my dad in the basement garage. Through this, I learned so much about cars and became infatuated with them. I can proudly say I'll never get ripped off at an auto-shop :P
5) Music.

Slim Jim

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Fact. If I were skinny, ugh, my life would be complete. I want to be a size three. I want a flat stomach. I want a well-defined face.
I felt small during the summer, but as this school slowly kills me, I feel bigger and bigger. Thankfully, I haven't gained any weight.

I still want to lose some though. That'd be nice. Maybe be 117 pounds?! Thats 8 less than right now :)

OY

Errone is all studying and such. And I'm just chillin' like LAWLFOURDAYWEEKENDFORTHAT.
It makes me a little nervous. Well, starting wednesday I shall begin studying for my three finals. oh yay.
In other news, I have the new (new!?!) Drop Dead, Gorgeous album and I feel like a little emo again. (//-)
^yep. that about does it.

Finale

It's safe to say that "hell week" is over. What is hell week? It's the week before dead week when everything is due. Literally, everything. I powered through an 8 page essay on tax reform and a modified GI Bill, I completed a lab report that had at least 150 cells of data, and I hopefully did well (fingers crossed) on my Chem test over material I didn't even know about until the day before. Also, I wrote an extra 2 pages on budget deficit in an attempt for extra credit. It surely was hell, considering I had to read about 600 pages for the 8 page essay.
I decided to google hell week, because I'm lame like that, and a lot of the sources read "the week where everything is due. also the week where numerous college students consider dropping out." I must say, I was relieved. The stress at the beginning of the week was so intense, I really, really did consider transferring. But, I'm hanging on for as long as I possibly can. Nothing is going to shake me. My dad told me, when he called in the midst of all my immeasurable stress, "It's just a game. Figure out the game, then figure out how to play it."
What would I do without him?

Two weeks from today, I'll have a glorious break. December 15 to January 9. That is almost a month.
Thank.God.

Essays

I love writing. I have no issue with it. But once I have to write about major policy changes in the United States, my mind turns to goo. I can write and write about theoretical situations and the policies in general, but once I have to start citing text, my hands freeze. I read the books, but damn. How the hell do I shuffle through six hundred pages of Blah to find something completely relevant to my genius sentences?!
sigh.

Realization

I think I'm done here. I'm extremely indecisive when it comes to some things in my life, and I realized that I made a bad choice. At least, I think I did. This school is highly ranked and will surely pay off in the future, but who am I kidding? I don't want to be an engineer. I don't want to slave away doing calculus and thermodynamics and physics. It just isn't me. I want to be happy. I've never really been ecstatic with my life, but I sure understand when I'm depressed.
This place just makes me severely depressed, shoving me into a whirlwind of sadness and regret day by day.
I thought my life was getting a little better by a few select people entering my life. But now I realize that I'm changing who I am for them. I'm changing my morals; I'm changing my rules. I don't want to change these things for someone who I know is temporary.
This place makes me feel like I have no choice. I feel forced to constantly hang out with people and I don't enjoy it. I don't mind being alone, but I hate being lonely.
Something needs to change.
I just need to make a decision, and quickly.

The Breath of a Fallen Angel

[story mode engaged]

**I lay down beside him and his rough, gentle hands take control. Never in my wildest dreams did I think this would happen. I attempt to pretend that I'm sleeping, but I've never had a good poker face. I lay motionless as his fingers move over my arms, down my side, brushing my legs and moving back up. I can feel my heart starting to race, and better yet, I can feel his against my back, beating to the exact rhythm of mine. Ten minutes pass by, twenty, then thirty; I'm not sure how to react but I know I don't want him to stop. I start to consider the right time to flip over, so my face is right in his. I count to fifteen, twenty, thirty, forty; all this time and I cannot muster up the courage to do it. He knows that I'm awake by now. He starts to tug on my side to get me to lay on my back. I know that resisting him would just blow my cover. I timidly roll over to my back and stare at the ceiling, still unsure of how to handle the situation. His hands dance all over my body. Soon enough he's on top of me. His marble-like skin gleams in the faint light coming from the window. I shyly run my hands up his arms and gracefully back down. His face leans closer to mine in the dark; I can still see his eyes staring right back into mine. I've waited years for this moment and finally it comes. He kisses me. At first it's light and airy, but then he progresses to pulling on my lower lip with the mere force of his lips. He holds onto it like a savory strawberry. This exchange happens for the next few hours, each minute bringing a slightly more intense touch and a different position in relation to the bed.
When it was all over, I couldn't sleep.
I returned to my dorm the next morning and I couldn't eat.
This drastic turn of events not only made my stomach churn, but it shook up my life in the best way possible.
I thought I loved him before, and now I'm not so sure, but there is no doubt in my mind that this boy, Abel, is meant to stick around for a while. At least, that's what I hope.

Blogs

Blogs form a temporary moment of escape. I've had a few before, but all became known to a few friends' eyes. While I don't mind this, I would love just to have a 'space' to myself where I can be completely honest. I can post depressing things, tell stories about my day, and share personal information without worrying about getting caught in any sort of strange situation. This blog is merely to help me relax and, if possible, share my inner most thoughts with people who are fortunate enough to discover this. For now, I will need to read a few more hundreds of pages of a book before I get in too deep. Be back later :)